.post it note poem.

depression's cold fingers lurch forward
and pull through the core, leaving
behind nothing but a sinking chill that
cools into numbness. this numbness turns
to feeling nothing at all, save for the stiff
mechanics of breathing; the challenging
reminder that life still exists in this body.

.tired.

do you ever get tired of being alive
being stuck in a routine
with no foreseeable escape

stuck
lost
alone

this loneliness
clings
will not release me

trapped
worn
thin

this life is too heavy, too much
it is but a burden
take the breath from my lungs

release
run
die

the thick waters of being
surround, pull, and attack
tossing and throwing and dragging

drown
breathe
drown

.butterflies.

::rough.draft::

beating against stomach lining
turning over and over
rise
the giddy rise
suddenly core might burst
because too much joy

their wings inside
addicted
never enough
always need more
selfish, crazed
obsessive

obsessed
owned by someone else
taboo
wait for me
run away from me
don't come too close

i forgot
forgotten feeling
elation
now devastation
should be alone
still together

butterflies began to fade
could not let them leave
grab them from the air
swallow them whole
drown
a monster with guts dribbled on face

all i wanted was to fly
free like icarus
but instead, the sun
falling
crash to earth, crumple
over, mangled

.numb.

loneliness is despair, and despair is crushing.

the core of my being is slowly being numb and hollow. am i even here.

i am so alone. so very lonely.

moments of joy are few and fleeting and so far in between.

i feel too much. i feel nothing.

i want to reach out and touch, but my arms stay at my side. i am immobilized by everything.

the numbness thickens, reaching its dense finger through the pit of my stomach. i want for anything but to be left alone right now.

left alone, i am.

i want to cry, but the tears won't come. i feel stoic, stone-like, so very cold.

can someone reach me. please help.

send help.

my voice isn't working. no one can hear my words. i don't even know what to say anymore.

help.

.mode.

late nights mean feeling on the verge of sleeping for the whole day.

i remember when i could stay up as late as i wanted and didn't suffer too much the next day.

these days, if i stay up much later than a little past midnight, i'm in a constant state of zombie mode. i just woke up and can't wipe the sleep off my eyes mode. my body and mind aren't functioning fast enough mode. coffee won't help, it's sleep i need mode.

.littlest.brother.

i come from a fairly large family. most of my siblings are younger than me. this allows me to really notice when they're growing up.

for example:

littlest brother was hanging out at the house with the girlfriend, watching a movie. every now and again, he'd take a break to mess with me while i was standing in the room adjacent to their movie. at one point, they'd made popcorn and at another point, he'd thrown a couple napkins at me, where they ended up on the floor.

a little while later, he brought the dirty popcorn bowl into the kitchen. he made sure to put the kernels in the trash. on his way to the garbage can, he paused to pick up the napkins and throw them away.

all of these he did without being prompted, nagged, asked - nothing. he just did it on his own.

there are little things that happen that we should appreciate. so much negativity and horrible stuff happens every day, so taking the time to notice the usually-unnoticed things will help bring in positivity. it makes it even better when you actually go tell the person.

get up and go.

to end these late night thoughts, i bid you adieu.

eb.
.creative.nightowl.

.naming.

names are hard.

they're the brand or label of a company. the different meanings of names in different languages (or double meanings in the same language) makes it challenging to find something that works. names have always escaped me when trying to figure out characters for stories. none of them ever seemed right, unless they went through a rigorous process. i've been working on names for a new blog for months now. and nothing seemed to fit right to me, to what i want to do.

until last night.

i was getting ready for bed at a decent hour (10pm) and then wound up not going to bed until much later (1-2am). as i was flipping the sheets back and scooting in on the mattress, i was thinking to myself about why i have this problem consistently. i can never go to bed "on time." i was mourning the passing of the days where i could stay up as late as i pleased with little to no consequences, mostly because i find my most creative self late at night.

nighttime has less distractions. it's more peaceful, more mysterious. it's inviting and comfortable. all the weird thoughts come trickling out after midnight, when the wild things roam. i love that about the night.

growing up, i constantly heard myself described as a "night owl." staying up late was (and is) not an issue for me. the night suited me best.

also growing up, i constantly heard myself described as "creative." ever since i could read, i wanted to share stories. ever since i could hold a writing utensil in my hand, i kept drawing and doodling.

in the end, it makes sense that these descriptors have come together to describe me, to label me, to brand me once again. as i fell asleep last night, i thought about the struggles of being a creative night owl. tell me: do you have a similar situation? regular life is robbing you of your creativity?

share with me!

eb.
.creative.nightowl.

.introduction.

hello and welcome to my newest baby blog!

i'm very much into grammar and proper formatting (english major, here), but i'm also into having a consistency in my theme (and my theme for here is very stylized). it's all on purpose. ...until it isn't. then there will be a mistake.

anyways! i'm here to try out new and different writing opportunities, as well as share on my personal interests. short list of things i like: eating, cooking, sleeping, adventuring, coffee, hiking, exploring health and wellness options, constantly learning, spending time with my loves, which mainly consist of my boyfriend, two-three friends, and netflix. (flip side - short list of things i don't like: bees, tea that is too hot, stress that i can't manage, being stuck inside an office for 40 hours a week.)

you can call me emily, but i'll be happy to go with any kind of nicknames (for the most part). i recently graduated with a degree in english, creative writing and a minor in business, marketing. i'm still figuring out what exactly i want to do with that - i'm very open to new things and learning into positions. recently, i've been considering going into social media work, since i've do so professionally before and i'm familiar with a variety of sites because of personal use. i've also been looking into working from home, by doing different projects online.

now, i think that's enough on me for a while. i'll be working very hard to have consistent postings. i may be writing this post at 3 o'clock in the afternoon, but don't be surprised once those late night posts start appearing.

until next time,

eb.
.creative.nightowl.